The Office People As Told By Lynn

I’m trying to avoid looking up from my computer right now, Joyce, our lovely office-grandmother keeps looking over at me frantically through her Iris Apfel glasses at the copier. Every day, at least three times a day, I have to get up and help Joyce perform the simple task of working modern technology, “Lynn, sweetheart, could you come over and help me, this darn thing is beyond me.” I’m like seriously lady, you’re 106 why do you work here? “Oh, I haven’t worked since I was in my 30s, my husband, Ed took care of me for years. My doctor said I need to get out and meet people, so I’m just here for a little recreation.” Must be nice. I’m here to avoid starvation and provide a luxurious life for my cat, Mugs, and me in our little studio apartment on the East side. She keeps clearing her throat and sighing heavily. Nope, not today old lady, not going to get my attention, you’re going to have to find someone else to help you with your under-qualified computer skills. Honestly, WHY DOES SHE WORK HERE? Just have to keep ignoring her until… Oh! Great, Daniel is stopping by… prick.
Daniel, the company slut. I’ll tell you what, even in college, I’ve never met a man-slut as slutty as the slut Daniel Peterson. He’s not only made his way around the office, he’s lapped himself in the skank-Nascar. He’s even worked his way through the Einstein’s next door… Which is actually kind of nice because he gets the company sweet bagel deals. But I digress, Daniel is a disgusting cockroach that you can’t step on because the diseases he’d leave on the bottom of your shoe are untreatable and contagious. His favorite office-jargon phrase is “let’s touch base.” I say not even in a scientific cleanroom
This morning we got a memo stating that the term “brain-storming” was no longer to be used because it “my have negative connotations associated with temperamental fits.” We are from now on to refer to them as “idea showers.” God, I hate this place.

The Office People As Told By Lynn

 I’m trying to avoid looking up from my computer right now, Joyce, our lovely office-grandmother keeps looking over at me frantically through her Iris Apfel glasses at the copier. Every day, at least three times a day, I have to get up and help Joyce perform the simple task of working modern technology, “Lynn, sweetheart, could you come over and help me, this darn thing is beyond me.” I’m like seriously lady, you’re 106 why do you work here? “Oh, I haven’t worked since I was in my 30s, my husband, Ed took care of me for years. My doctor said I need to get out and meet people, so I’m just here for a little recreation.” Must be nice. I’m here to avoid starvation and provide a luxurious life for my cat, Mugs, and me in our little studio apartment on the East side. She keeps clearing her throat and sighing heavily. Nope, not today old lady, not going to get my attention, you’re going to have to find someone else to help you with your under-qualified computer skills. Honestly, WHY DOES SHE WORK HERE? Just have to keep ignoring her until… Oh! Great, Daniel is stopping by… prick. 
      Daniel, the company slut. I’ll tell you what, even in college, I’ve never met a man-slut as slutty as the slut Daniel Peterson. He’s not only made his way around the office, he’s lapped himself in the skank-Nascar. He’s even worked his way through the Einstein’s next door… Which is actually kind of nice because he gets the company sweet bagel deals. But I digress, Daniel is a disgusting cockroach that you can’t step on because the diseases he’d leave on the bottom of your shoe are untreatable and contagious. His favorite office-jargon phrase is “let’s touch base.” I say not even in a scientific cleanroom 
     This morning we got a memo stating that the term “brain-storming” was no longer to be used because it “my have negative connotations associated with temperamental fits.” We are from now on to refer to them as “idea showers.” God, I hate this place.

The Intro:

Greetings, Hi, I’m Vanna. This is my first blog and instead of talking about my life experiences like most bloggers, I have realized that any personal recounts of mine would put a tranqualized gorilla to sleep for even longer. Though I don’t have a lot of crazy stories to share, I find that the general public is overqualified at this, and will prove it while standing in line at a Panera waving their ciabatta panini as they insult your inteligence and get overly excited and spit on you. Before you know it, you know the names of every person in their family and medical history, Wowy!

  I’m not sure about anyone else but I pay attention to detail and people. People watching is my all-time favorite thing (hence, my boring existence). But really, people are hilarious. For instance: accents, gestures, weird habits, personal grooming, odor, fashion choices, all of these small details just sort of layer themselves in my mind and I basically just make-up an entire life for these people I’m observing (creeping on).  Which brings me to the theme of my blog: The GrotesqeRecountsofObsceneandAbsurdCharactersAllAroundTheWorld which was the original title but there was a 50 letter limit- but whatevs.

This blog will serve as a written instance of clarity and insanity as a capture these characters I encounter (make-up) and tell their stories as honestly and clearly as possible (however the hell I want, I’m making this up). Every post will be from a different perspective and person with their own personal background and story. I will, in a sense, let them take over my blog, some reoccuring (because they have a lot to say). I’m extremely excited to share these stories, they so deserve it and are truly inspiring and hilarious, so please follow or whatever you do on this website I don’t even know. I’ll be checking in from time to time but for now I’ll let the characters take it away, this is The Grotesque Recounts of Obscene and Absurd Characters All Around The World!

Thank you!!! -Vanna